Not Another Adventure!
by Absolutely Corking
Summary: Yes, it is another adventure! Link and the Sages team with Ganondorf to regain the Triforce, solve the mystery and stop the rude evil behind it - and get Link's hat back! (once they figure out what they're doing and where they're going...)
1. 1 Chaos At Lon Lon Ranch

NOT ANOTHER ADVENTURE!!!!!!!! By Absolutely Corking.*~*  
  
Hello everybody! (waves hugely) This is my first Zelda fiction and my first go at being funny. I don't know how well it will work, seeing as I'm usually the only one who gets my own jokes (and laughs at them ( and that doesn't say much, coz I laugh at almost anything :D) but still, I thought I'd give it a whirl. This takes place after Ocarina of Time...not much plot development in this chapter, but THERE WILL BE A PLOT (when I think of one)...hope you like!  
  
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! MWHAHAHAHA! No, really, anything that anyone thinks belongs to anyone else in this story I probably don't own, but I definitely don't own Zelda or Nintendo (or Barbie and Ken, or the poem about the cow jumping over the moon...)  
  
A/N: If you've already read this chapter and it seems confusing (or more confusing...) it was because I did something wrong with the brackets so all the non-speaking narration didn't actually appear in the story...so it made absolutely no sense! I have now fixed that and so this is the edited version of the chapter - I also changed it and added some bits in too. Sorry for any confusion!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (Pretty pattern! :D)  
  
Chapter 1: Chaos at Lon Lon Ranch  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link and Zelda have just come from that cloud place at the end of the game where Zelda sends Link back to the past. Link wanted to stay so much he refused and chucked a big tantrum which irritated Zelda so much she threw one too. The cloud place finally got so fed up it kicked them out, keeping the Ocarina (and Link's hat - it was feeling mean) for itself. As we reach the first part of our quest Link and Zelda are flying towards the ground at top speed.  
  
Zelda: (screaming) Why couldn't you just go back? Now look at us! My hair is flying in twenty different directions! I blame YOOOOOOUU!!  
  
Link: (screaming also) At least your hair stays on your head! My hat is GOOOOONNNE!! (sobs) Must - get - back -  
  
Zelda: What about Navi? Wasn't she in your hat?  
  
Link: Oh no, the cloud place can keep her.  
  
Zelda: Why is it suddenly night?  
  
Link: I don't know!  
  
Zelda: What's that ring of coloured blobs down there?  
  
Link: I don't know!  
  
Zelda: Why are we heading towards it?  
  
Link: I don't know!  
  
Zelda: WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?!  
  
Link (knowledgeably) You're the wise one.  
  
Zelda; I hate you.  
  
(They continue falling. Unbeknownst to them, they are heading towards the fire ring at the party at Lon Lon Ranch. The fire below spots them)  
  
Flame 1: What the crap is that?  
  
F2: No idea.  
  
F3: Maybe it's a shooting star.  
  
F2: Yeah, but don't they shoot, not fall?  
  
F3: Hmm, I think you have a point.  
  
F1 (voice trembling): Maybe it's a - it's a - it's a -  
  
F2/ F3: It's a what?  
  
F1: FIREWORK!!!!!!!  
  
All flames: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! OUR GREATEST ENEMY!!!  
  
F4 (wailing): The legend! The legend! What if it comes true?  
  
AF:.......  
  
F4: Every time a firework explodes, a flame somewhere DIES!!  
  
AF: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
F2: They steal our thunder!  
  
F3: They scare our people!  
  
F1: THEY ACTUALLY MAKE SOME MONEY!!  
  
AF: (turn and shake fists) DAMN YOOOOOOUUU!!  
  
F1: ALL RIGHT MEN! NO MORE WILL WE STAND FOR BEING THE UNDERDOGS! DESTROY THE RANCH BEFORE THEY REACH IT!! BRING DOWN THEIR EMPIRE OF THEFT, FEAR AND MONEY (which we may just take a peek at afterwards)!! DESTROY IT BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU!!!!!  
  
AF: RAMPAGE!!!!  
  
(The flames scatter and set everything in sight alight, people included)  
  
Malon: My dress!  
  
Mido: My hat!  
  
Talon/ Ingo: My drink!  
  
Everyone: THE BOOZE!!!!! (they all start running towards the stable to retrieve it only to find the horses and cows have beaten them to it)  
  
Cow 1: I've never eaten beef.  
  
Cow 2: Aw, damn. (takes a big swig)  
  
C1: CANNIBAL!!  
  
(The doors bursts open and flies off the hinges and, hitting C2 on the head)  
  
C1: See? Now that's why you don't eat your own kind.  
  
(Everyone tumbles in)  
  
Talon: (furious) You drank our grog!  
  
C2: (enraged) You hit me with a door!  
  
Everyone/ cows: BASTARDS!!!!  
  
C1: Bring it on, Barbie!  
  
Ingo: Back off, Ken!  
  
(A massive fight ensues in which everyone is enveloped in a large ball of smoke and random body parts are seen, along with much mooing and throwing of hay)  
  
*~*Meanwhile, in the sky...*~*  
  
Zelda: Why is it taking so long? You'd think at the rate we're going we would have hit the ground by now.  
  
Link (faraway look in eyes) Destiny, Zelda, destiny...  
  
Zelda (rips tiara off head and wallops Link with it) Shut up!  
  
*~*Meanwhile, back on the ground...*~*  
  
Random Goron: Come on guys, looks like things 'round here are gettin' rough. Let's roll!  
  
(Gorons turn into spiky balls of rage (the kind that go knocking people off mountains for no apparent reason) and rumble towards the exit sending people flying ten feet either side and running through a peacefully pecking gang of Cuccos, who are oblivious in their own quiet, tranquil world in the middle of a flaming riot)  
  
Cuccos: BUGGER OFF!! STOP PICKING ON US!!  
  
*~*In the stable...*~*  
  
Talon: Come on, lads, we're fighting them down!  
  
(Suddenly realising he, Ingo and C1 and C2 are the only ones fighting)  
  
Talon: Where in tarnation did everyone go?  
  
(Everyone is drinking and laughing behind him with the remainder of horses and cows, apart from Honey and Darling who are making out in the hay, stinking drunk)  
  
Horse: (snorting) So then I says, I says, 'Betcha can't jump over that moon there', and he says, 'What would I go jumping over that for?' and I says 'Ain't you ever heard of the cow 'oo jumped over the moon? If you really the best cow 'ere you better get jumpin'!' And so he gets a real big run-up and he jumps and gets up to five feet and then he hits the fence!'  
  
Everyone: BWHA HA HA HA HA!!  
  
Talon: What in tarnation are you doin'?  
  
(They all go silent apart from the horse who is still snorting. The horse next to him hits him over the head with a bottle to shut him up)  
  
Talon (going red(der) in the face): You be drinking my drink!  
  
Mido: No! No! We're discussing!  
  
Talon: (getting angry) Discussing what?  
  
King of the Zoras: Tactics!  
  
Talon: (getting angrier) Tactics on WHAT?  
  
Fishing Guy (who is leading Random Hylians From Market And Kakariko Village): When to get involved!  
  
Talon: (roars) HOW ABOUT NOW?!  
  
Kokiris/ Zoras/ RHFMAKV: Meep! (they stand and quake in their boots/ shoes/ whatever)  
  
Talon (points to fray where Ingo is taking on two cows at once): GET IN THERE AN' HELP YOUR FELLOWS OUT!!  
  
Kokiris/ Zoras/ RHFMAKV: CHAAAAAAARRRRRRGE!!! (they turn and run out the door, apart from Honey and Darling who are still in the hay)  
  
Talon: What the - (C1 sneaks up from behind and kicks him in the butt) EEEEAAAAOOOORGH!  
  
*~*Outside...*~*  
  
Everyone: Phew! We're out!  
  
(They spot the Cuccos)  
  
Everyone: CUCCOS!  
  
Cucco Lady: Oh don't hurt them!  
  
Everyone: (stares)  
  
CL: (cowers) Uh...I mean...aren't they a little far out of your way?  
  
(Everyone swings around to stare at where the Cuccos are)  
  
(Cuccos are on the other side of the field)  
  
Everyone: Pfffft! Nah! (they run towards the Cuccos with blood-curdling war cries)  
  
CL: (sigh) Well, I tried)  
  
*~*Back in the stable, Ingo's corner*~*  
  
C2: You'll never take me alive!!  
  
Ingo: Give me the booze!  
  
C2: NEVER!!!  
  
Ingo: HAND IT OVER!!  
  
C2: KISS MY UDDER!!  
  
Ingo: HEEEEYAH! (Kind of similar to one of those yells Link gives when he does a particularly spectacular forward roll) (launches himself at the drink)  
  
C2: Not today, pal! (He swings the door like a baseball bat and whaps Ingo in the face but then loses control of the door. It takes out Honey and Darling and flies outside)  
  
C2: Ah crap...  
  
*~*Back with the Cuccos...*~*  
  
(Herd of Kokiri trample through screaming like maniacs with their cute little voices)  
  
Cuccos: OW, EAR DRUMS!!  
  
(Herd of Zoras trample through screaming like manciacs)  
  
Cuccos: EW, FISH BREATH!!  
  
(Herd of RHFMAKV trample through with Windmill Guy bringing up the rear taking out several Cuccos with his instrument)  
  
Cuccos: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!! (are thrown in several directions)  
  
(Herd of Gorons realise they forgot Biggoron so rumble back and trample through)  
  
Cuccos: HOLY COW, ONE MORE TIME!!!  
  
(The door lands on them)  
  
Cucco 1: RIGHT, THAT'S IT!  
  
Cucco 2: WE CAN TAKE NO MORE!!  
  
Cuccos: THE REVOLUTION WILL BEGIN!!!  
  
Cucco 1: To infinity, and beyond!!  
  
Cucco 2: Up, up and away!  
  
(There is a sound like cars revving up as the Cuccos spread their wings and wriggle their tail feathers followed by the sound of several jet-rockets taking off as the Cuccos take to the skies)  
  
*~*Meanwhile, in the sky...*~*  
  
Link: Are we there yet?  
  
Zelda: No.  
  
Link: Are we there yet?  
  
Zelda: No.  
  
Link: Are we there yet?  
  
Zelda (getting mildy annoyed): NO!  
  
Link: Oh.  
  
(A couple of minutes pass)  
  
Link: How about now?  
  
Zelda: NO! WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK DOWN AND SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW FAR AWAY WE ARE?!  
  
Link: Oh yeah! (looks down) What's that?  
  
Zelda: (looks down too): What the -  
  
Link: Oh my -  
  
Cuccos: COOOOOOMMMIIIIIIIINNNNNNG THHHHHRRRRRROOOOUUUUGGGH!!!!!  
  
Link/ Zelda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Cuccos: HYLIANS!!! FIRE!!!!  
  
(For the sake of keeping this fic at PG level...aaah, screw that! The Cuccos fly past and pelt Link and Zelda with Cucco poop before speeding away into the night)  
  
Cuccos: WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION!!!!  
  
Zelda: What the f*ck?  
  
Link: I don't know!  
  
Zelda: NOT THAT AGAIN!!  
  
*~*Meanwhile, on a random hilltop somewhere...*~*  
  
Nabooru: What's with the ranch? It looks kind of...  
  
Saria: Insane?  
  
Nabooru: Yeah.  
  
Saria: Bet you it's the Kokiri's. It never was a pretty sight when they were drunk.  
  
Darunia: O_O You little brothers and sisters drink?  
  
Saria; Oh yeah. Mido would chuck a party every time he beat up Link.  
  
Ruto: That wasn't very often though, was it?  
  
Saria (shrugs) Every day.  
  
Darunia: Oh brother.  
  
Ruto: You're kidding! Why, if he was here, I'd give him a fine pounding.  
  
Nabooru: Who, Mido or Link?  
  
Ruto: MIDO! (tears fill her eyes) I could never harm my darling, beautiful Link...  
  
Impa (eyebrow raised) I'd love to see you pound someone.  
  
Ruto: I don't need to. I can just knock someone out with my looks.  
  
Nabooru: Or your smell.  
  
Ruto: Shut up!  
  
Saria: CHANGE OF SUBJECT! Why aren't we back seven years yet?  
  
Ruto: (suddenly bursts into wails) NOOOOOO!! NOT LINK!!! THAT B*TCH CAN'T SEND HIM BAAAAAAACK!! (breaks down and cries)  
  
Everyone else: O_o  
  
Impa: (grabs Ruto by a fin) Do not insult my princess in such a way! (realises who she's holding) Eugh! (drops Ruto and wipes her hand on Nabooru's hair)  
  
Nabooru: D'you mind? I just washed that a week ago under the waterfall!  
  
Impa: EUGH! (wipes hand on grass and accidentally puts in dog poo) DAMNIT!!  
  
Ruto (distracted) Really? Do you use that waterfall?  
  
Nabooru: (rolls eyes) No, really? It's only where we get our water from.  
  
Ruto: (giggles) How funny! That's the waterfall into which we pump all our waste!  
  
Everybody else: EUGH!!  
  
(An ear splitting yell cuts through the air)  
  
All: What the f*ck?  
  
*~*Meanwhile, still in the air...*~*  
  
Zelda: What kind of a day is this? I lose my Ocarina, my hair style and my dignity and get pooped on by a bunch of psycho Cuccos all in the space of 15 minutes!  
  
Link: Hello! I lost my hairstyle and my hat and got pooped on too in the same amount of time!  
  
Zelda: Ha! I'm one up on you!  
  
Link: SILENCE! At least I haven't lost my tights yet.  
  
Zelda: Thank the goddesses for small miracles.  
  
(RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIP)  
  
Zelda: OH MY GOD! AAAAH! (covers her eyes) Please don't tell me that was your tights!  
  
Link: No, just trying to pries some dried Cucco poo off my hand.  
  
Zelda: Phew. (uncovers her eyes) Hey look, the ground is getting close!  
  
Link: Wait, is that such a good thing seeing as we've been falling from a really high place for a really long time?  
  
Zelda: Wait...maybe not...  
  
(They finally hit the ground after, like, 10 minutes of hurtling towards it with such force the ground shakes and the stable collapses, revealing Talon and Ingo tucking into the drink while two cows weep with their arms around each other in a corner. Honey and Darling are both covered in hay and one is bawling at the huge lump on the others head. In the distance the drunken song and yells of the citizens of Hyrule are heard as they stumble from the ranch while random balls of coloured fire still float around. Our two flying heroes (or hero and heroine) look around in shock)  
  
Link: Gee, who set off the fireworks?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Okay, there goes the first chappie! Drop me a line (or two - or maybe even three!) and tell me what you thought - reviews are very encouraging! Please, if you thought anything was wrong with it,tell me but don't make it too harsh! (gives pleading look)  
  
Zelda: Basically, she's trying to say, 'Please don't hurt me!' (whips off tiara again)  
  
Link: But she's too late, we're already doing that for all of you because she made us fly through the air for 10 minutes straight! (whips out Master Sword)  
  
Absolutely Corking: AAAAAAAHHHHH! (runs)  
  
Will post again soon. : Ciao! 


	2. 2 And So They Landed

Hi again! I'm back, after ages, I know...sorry, but I've just had a lot of stuff going on lately (breaking up with boyfriends can take a lot out of you!) and so I haven't been able to write this fic, and I'm also trying to start to plan and write another one (a serious one!) for Zelda, so yeah...but I will try to update more often! Anyways, here we are on our second chapter...hope you enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, I just sold all of my CDs and bought Nintendo...NOT! I wouldn't sell my CDs! No really, I don't own Zelda but I do own my very vague and stupid plot.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chapter 2: And So They Landed  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Announcer: Okay, last time on Not Another Adventure Link and Zelda were thrown out of the cloud place which kept the Ocarina and (dun dun dun!!!) Link's hat while at Lon Lon Ranch a bunch of psychotic flames spotted them and went on rampage while Talon and Ingo fought bravely for their booze as everyone else got smashed and the Cucco Revolution began after every race in Hyrule ran over them as the Sages watched peacefully from a nearby random hill where Impa stuck her hand in dog poop until finally Link and Zelda hit the ground...in the middle of the Chaos at Lon Lon Ranch! (takes a really big breath) Whew, that was fun!  
  
We now start our chapter at the ranch...  
  
(Big camera shot taking in all of Hyrule)  
  
(Suddenly zooms in REALLY fast to Lon Lon Ranch onto Link and Zelda)  
  
(Goes so fast it accidentally zeros in on a random caterpillar tying up his shoelaces)  
  
Absolutely Corking: DUDE, TOO CLOSE!  
  
(Zooms back out to Link and Zelda)  
  
(They both look like they've been electrocuted)  
  
Zelda: Ha! Your hair looks hilarious! It's sticking up everywhere!!  
  
Link: Ha! So is yours!  
  
Zelda (puts hand up to hair): OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR!!  
  
Link: Um...we fell from like twenty billion kilometres to earth?  
  
Zelda: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!  
  
Link: Well you wanted to send me back!  
  
Zelda: Well you wouldn't go!  
  
Link: Well you tried to make me!  
  
Zelda: Well I wanted to get rid of you!  
  
Link: (momentarily stunned): But...you're meant to like me...AND I JUST SAVED YOUR COUNTRY!!  
  
Zelda: Yeah, well, you were stealing the limelight.  
  
Link: You cow! You were messing with free will so you could just be famous!  
  
Zelda: I'm a princess. It's my job. (sighs) It's such a pain having duty to the crown.  
  
Link: Or sissy gold tiara.  
  
Zelda: At least I still HAVE my tiara!  
  
Link: SILENCE! At least this way the true soft and silky nature of my hair is displayed!  
  
Zelda: It will never be as soft and silky as mine.  
  
Link: Why so?  
  
Zelda: Mine's longer.  
  
Link: But length does not guarantee soft and silky hair. In fact, length can drain your hair of it's natural life, leaving it looking UNHEALTHY and STRINGY!  
  
Zelda: Really? Oh, tell me more! (realises what she's doing) Wait, why am I listening to you? It's your fault my hair's been rearranged -  
  
Link (snorts): If that's what you want to call it.  
  
Zelda (loudly) Because you tried to out-argue me, which you know you can never do!  
  
Link: I can too!  
  
Zelda: You can not!  
  
Link: Can too!  
  
Zelda: Can not!  
  
Link: Can too!  
  
Zelda: Can not!  
  
Link: Can too!  
  
Zelda: Can not!  
  
Link: Can too!  
  
Zelda: Can not!  
  
Link: Can too!  
  
Zelda: Can not!  
  
Link: Can too!  
  
Zelda: Can not!  
  
Link: CAN TOO!!  
  
Zelda: See! You're doing it again! YOU'RE TRYING TO BEAT ME!!  
  
Link: Am not!  
  
Zelda: Are too!  
  
Link: Am not!  
  
Zelda: Are too!  
  
Link: Am not!  
  
Zelda: Are too!  
  
(They start circling around in a face off)  
  
Link: AM NOT!  
  
Zelda: ARE TOO!  
  
Link: AM NOT!  
  
Zelda: ARE TOO! (paws the ground)  
  
Link: Wait! That's it! (whips out Goron tunic and waves like a flag) Come to papa...  
  
Zelda (stops pawing and stares) What are you, a pimp?  
  
Link: Okay, fine! Come on kitty kitty kitty...or...whatever you are...  
  
(Zelda resumes pawing and snorts like a bull)  
  
Link: (in really loud, booming yell) AM - NOT!!!!!!  
  
Zelda: AARRRRRGGHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (charges)  
  
Link: YEEHAH! Oh - wait - no - not good - CRAP! -  
  
Zelda: WHEEEE!! (slams into Link with full force)  
  
(Dust fight ensues)  
  
*~*Meanwhile, on their random hilltop somewhere...*~*  
  
Darunia: Hey, guys, do you see that?  
  
(All look at ranch where large dust ball is visible, apart from Impa who is running back and forward in the background holding her hand out in front of her and yelling)  
  
Impa: GET IT OFF GET IF OFF GET IT OFF GET IF OTT...  
  
Nabooru: Looks like Link and Zelda have landed.  
  
Saria: They're probably tearing each other's hair out.  
  
*~*Flash to the ranch*~*  
  
Link: OW! THAT WAS MY HAIR!!  
  
*~* Flash back to random hilltop*~*  
  
Saria: Yep (turns to look at Ruto)  
  
Nabooru: Thought so (turns to look at Ruto)  
  
Ruto: (opens her mouth REALLY wide)  
  
Other Sages (besides Impa, who is still going slightly insane): Uh-oh. (Cover their ears)  
  
Ruto: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!!  
  
*~*Flash to ranch*~*  
  
Link (freezes): Was that Ruto?!  
  
*~*Flash back to hill*~*  
  
(Sages uncover their ears)  
  
Nabooru: Is it over?  
  
Rauru: I think the worst is done.  
  
Darunia: Phew, everyone okay? (Spots Impa) (GASP) NO! Impa?  
  
(She's passed out, stunned)  
  
All Sages: RUTO!!!!  
  
Ruto: What? (sees Impa) Oh my God! Did I do that?  
  
Sages (stare as if she is insane because she never feels bad about anything)  
  
Ruto: COOL!  
  
(All sages fall over anime-style)  
  
Ruto: Now she can't stop me bitching about Zelda! (pokes Impa in the nose) I HAVE THE POWER!!!!  
  
(Impa bites her)  
  
Ruto: AAAAAH! (turns into ball of light and rockets towards the ranch)  
  
Rauru: Impa, you brave soul!  
  
Impa (weakly): That was - disgusting -  
  
Saria: Just think happy thoughts!  
  
Nabooru: Yeah, like how this wasn't nearly as bad as the time we went swimming and Rauru did a swan dive.  
  
Rauru: Okay, we've been through this! My pants were NOT meant to come off!  
  
Impa: But they did.  
  
Nabooru: Enough said.  
  
Rauru: What was wrong with that anyway?(goes all Fat Bastard-like (I don't own Austin Powers either) Look at mah sexy body!  
  
All Sages: AAAAAHHH!! (turn into balls of light and speed away as fast as they can to the ranch)  
  
Rauru (sniff): My mum thinks I'm cool.  
  
YAAAAAYY!! Another chapter done! After so very very VERY long, I know, but still, at least it's here! I'm so sorry for having, like, a month's gap in between...probably not a very good first impression, but I really will try to get them out quicker. In fact, Chapter 3 is already started and hopefully soon finished and posted. Hope you liked, please review! 


End file.
